One of the things I have wanted most in my life is to have a great long term, committed romantic relationship, and I have been very lucky to meet an amazing person who I share my life with today. However, it has been far BAYOND love to make the relationship work and to keep a happy healthy balance in our life while my body continued to deteriorate from chronic illness.
In today’s “disposable society”, relationships are more and more challenging to hold together over the test of time, and when one person in the relationship is ill or disabled this adds even another strain beyond normal daily life hardships.
Here are some things I have learned in my many years involved in long-term romantic relationships while living with chronic illness which have helped “make love last.”
1. If you are the one with chronic illness is the relationship, you need to be willing to put in MORE effort than your partner. At times this can feel challenging and frustrating, you are the sick one you reason with yourself, why should you have to also work so hard at this relationship and put in even more effort than them… but in reality, the raw truth is your illness puts additional stress and strain onto your partner’s daily life, and no this is not your fault and you need not feel guilt, but you DO need to humble yourself and recognize that additional strain and be willing to help counter-it with even additional effort and work for your relationship.
2. Whenever they are hurt or sick make a HUGE DEAL of it… I don’t care if they only stub their toe, you better be offering an ice pack, a special tea, a pain cream, foot rub, the works… because again, the extra effort will be so appreciated by them as they are continually walking with you through your daily health challenges.
3. Be willing to be the one to start the hard conversations, to be vulnerable first, to apologize first.
4. Be the one to suggest couples therapy, and do the research to find a great one in your area as this can help greatly to have a safe space to talk through difficulties in balancing the dynamic of the relationship and strains from chronic illness/disability.
5. Always offer to do as much as
you can in the ways you can… if you are not well enough to do the grocery shopping and errands, can you change the sheets on the bed? Make the phone call to hire the plumber needed for that leak in the bathroom, be the one to research the new car insurance policy? There are so many things you can do with limited mobility/energy to help support your relationship, partner and household be creative.
6. This can sometimes be a tough one, but do everything you can to NOT let your romantic partner become your care-giver… hire outside help if you are able, ask for help from all your friends and family to support you in any ways they can.. putting too much pressure/strain on your partner to provide personal care can have a hard impact on your romance.
7. join support groups for your condition and find support groups for your partner as well for loved ones living with family with your condition or similar condition, these support groups can offer HUGE benefit and help give another safe place to vent out frustrations and ask for advice which can be indispensable coming form others who really “get you” and understand the complications of your situation.
8. Know that you are NOT a burden to your partner, you are valuable and equal in your relationship and deserving of an amazing life and amazing love, no one wants someone who is apologizing all the, so don’t say sorry for all the things you need help with, but just say thank you and show TONS of appreciation for all your partner DOES do for you, and always be sure you do everything you can to support them as well, remember the little things like a simple love note, a special favorite treat of theirs, fresh flowers, or a loving hand/foot massage… a little goes a LONG way in love!
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