I think I spent nearly the first 5 years of chronic illness not even shedding a tear… as soon as my health broke-down to the point I had to quit my career I just instantly started running… I stayed busy doing anything and everything I could possibly to do continue to try to hold onto “my life” the way I had planned it to be, the way I wanted it to be. I pushed myself so hard constantly physically, emotionally, and I thought staying strong and staying positive and up-beat despite all the pain, suffering, sleepless nights, hospital stays, doctor appointments, tests, tests, and exhaustion was the right path, then only path.
Then, one day about 8 years into my journey in the land of chronically ill… I had a complete and utter nervous break-down… I had literally broke my nervous system with my constant pushing my body beyond its limits trying so fiercely to hold onto what had become an illusion. It was then that I broke-down and finally began to let myself feel all the feels, and gave myself time and space to emotionally process all the challenges I had lived through and was facing in my current days and days to come. I did not let myself be weak, in fact in reality it was much stronger than how I had been living before… I asked for help, I was honest about my limitations and created new boundaries to protect my physical and mental health, I sought out professional help, I gave myself a lot more time to rest, and stop, relax, meditate, pray… I let myself be human finally.
Today, I put my physical and emotional health as a top priority everyday… I spend 30 minutes exercising each day, take a 40 minute nap, spend the time I need to prepare and eat healthy meals, I get outside each day, I admit when I need breaks from work, and take them frequently instead of pushing through, I see my mental health professional 2X weekly, I accept help from my partner daily, family, friends, as well as professional help when needed… and I cry… as often as I feel I need, and I never feel weak, embarrassed and I am not sorry. My life is hard, chronic illness is hard, and I now see just how much stronger I truly am now by allowing myself to be vulnerable.
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